He Came to Where I Am

 I heard a wonderful song this week that really stuck with me and has replayed one line over and over in my mind.  It speaks of how on Christmas Jesus came down to where we live and became like us so that He could share His love and understanding, guiding the way to a personal relationship with God the Father.  I wanted to find the song on YouTube so that I could share it with my thoughts, but, not remembering the title, I have struck out for awhile in that endeavor.  What I wanted to share was how in the past few months (lots of health problems for my sweet husband) I have felt Jesus meeting me at every turn.  I was so needy and He was there, every time I asked!  As I was thanking Him, it occurred to me that ever since I first asked Him into my heart He has been there - in joys, in sorrows, in want, in abundance, in sickness and in health - so why do I seem to have to re-learn trust on a daily basis?  Why do I fall apart in hard times and just lean so heavily on Him as He puts me back together again?  You'd think after 66 years of walking with Him, I'd finally begin to relax, but I don't.  For me, the only answer seems to be that in daily giving myself totally back to Him, I am reminded of how wonderful He is and how much I need to remember that others need to know about Him.  There are still so many lost and wandering, looking for a way out but having no clue where to turn.  Or there are those who know where to turn but are afraid or skeptical.  Maybe I will never, in this life, be able to relax because if I do, I will lose the urgency to be better, love better, witness better...I do know that this Christmas I am celebrating the good news that Jesus came to us to show us the way to go to Him.  And that He is as close as we ask and need, every time we ask or cry out.  

Complete Surrender

In one of my most recent sleepless nights, I was discussing with God how easy it is, in these days, to become discouraged and lose the "sparkle in my eyes" (Ps. 13:3 NLT).  The best remedy for me in these times is to remember the former days and how He has led me and shown me His acceptance of, and love for me.  We talked about the wonderful Youth Camp experiences as a teenager and how I was gently led to give my all to Him.  We remembered all the wonderful songs that gave me joy then, and still do.  We talked about all the excitement He gave me as we served in Ministry for so many years and saw many won to Him.  I told Him how much I miss that excitement and how much I want and need to feel His loving arms around me again, on a daily basis.  Somehow we got around to the wonderful days back in 1972 when I began to realize my need for a brand-new touch and a deeper experience with Him and His Holy Spirit.  Then I realized that I had not shared that particular experience in a very long time!  We closed off this conversation with the charge to share my story on the next day, but life got in the way and so here we are with lots of time on our self-isolating hands and a renewed desire to write!

I want to begin with an experience I had as a young teen in a large family, trying to find my way as a new Christian in the midst of those who did not believe that it was necessary to go all out for my beliefs - and some of whom went so far as to actively discourage me in upsetting ways.  About this time I read an article in Readers Digest that explained how to step inside of yourself for protection from strife and verbal attacks.  I tried it and it worked so well that it became my method of coping from then on.  When we attended a conference in 1972 to prepare us to share Christ throughout the country in 1973 (called Unlock 73), we were challenged to search ourselves and see if there was any area in our heart and life that was not totally given to Christ - that might hinder us from being totally used by Him in that coming year.  I was confident that all was well until I sensed a check by the Spirit as I prayed.  After He made it clear that my "stepping inside and closing myself off" was not what He desired for me, and much pleading by me, I finally understood that what He was saying was that He wanted me to stop that practice and turn to Him in those times when I was afraid, or when I could not cope, or when I needed wisdom and peace.  As I think about it now, I say, "duh!" and wonder why I had not realized that long before!  Well, that was a life-changer for me and when all the tears were shed and all the prayers and surrender were done, I sensed a complete envelopment by His Spirit and an overwhelming knowledge that I was completely His and He was completely mine!  We went home from that conference to find that He had prepared the way for much personal witness to my colleagues at the school where I taught - they were very open to hear of my experience - and a sense of power that I had never had before.  The desire to tell my story and invest in the lives all around me was something that was all-consuming and quite long-lasting.  I wish I could say that the fire never died,but it seems to have changed a bit as life goes on.  I really miss that but I think that it is impossible to stay forever on such an emotional high.  I still desire His daily presence, approval, power, joy and I ponder daily how that will look in this stage of my life.
                     
Before I went to sleep the night that began all this remembering, I was reminded that when Satan tries to discourage me and when hope is not as bright as it used to seem, I can look back and point out to him that there is something real and lasting about this walk with Christ. I know that I know that I know that He is real, that He lives in me, and that He has more power than Satan will ever have!  And I know that I belong to Him forever and ever - and that's that!

"Not all those who wander are lost..."

I got to thinking in the night about the several devotionals I have written that refer to being lost somewhere and spending the hours trying to find my way.  Fortunately, God has seen fit to use those dreams as teaching tools for me and for those friends who follow my writings. In the most recent Advent devotional printed, I was inspired to recount how I see Jesus as my Mediator in some of these "wandering" episodes.  There I am always searching for my way through the crowds - looking for the exit that I know exists because I have been there before - and often a face appears somewhere close to me, obviously trying to catch up to me to guide me in the desired direction.  Usually the face is of a loved one or a trusted friend.  But as I sat to consider my contributions to our 2019 Advent Devotional booklet (the names and "faces" of Jesus), I suddenly recognized that the face I was seeing in the crowd seemed to be Jesus.  He was the One watching over me and walking near to me as I wandered, ever ready to re-route me if I veered off the path, or to keep the goal always in sight so that I did not give up!  He was serving as my guide to my desired destination - in effect, my mediator between God and me!  This realization opened up a whole new direction for me and you can see the result if you read our devotionals on our church website redcloudwes.wordpress.com/author/redcloudwes/ and I would suggest that. But let me tell you about some further thoughts I have had today about common threads in all these wandering dreams: 
first, in these times, I am never alone, and that speaks to me in two directions (God is always with me, and many others of my world are also wandering and searching); second, I know the way home because I have been there before, so I am not really lost; and third, these dreams often take place in the same area - am I re-visiting issues that have already been settled and decided? Or is there just further growth to be had and this is how the Holy Spirit chooses to direct my focus?  At any rate, I do know that dreams are often meant to help us deal with unsettled daily problems and I think I am glad that I have a Mentor and helper who knows just how I learn and grow best!  This is a wonderful and blessed Christmas season for our family as we await the birth of our newest grandchild (our 2nd grandson and our 7th grandchild) and we are extremely blessed!

Thanksgiving 2019

My first thanks this year has to be that that Dan was able to find a few minutes to figure out why I have not been able to post here for almost 2 years - we do lead a busy life in this small town :) and so I am most happy!  What a year we have had!  Seems like each day brings a new challenge or a new physical problem.  In spite of that, we are still in fairly good health and have so much to rejoice about!  One blessing is that we have had 2 new great grandkids in 2019 and now we know that we will have our 7th grandchild in early 2020 so we are very happy these days.  The second blessing was that we were finally able to have Rudy and Lisa come here to visit and we had a great time.  Lots of changes happening in our extended family and we are so grateful for our God and for prayer.  We continue to have faith that He watches over all and works on our behalf.

Seems like November has been a month of appointments to various doctors, and to the dentist, but we are thankful for all that help and especially for Dan and Stacy, who are so good and so willing to transport us and help us when needed.  Hopefully, December will be better, and 2020 also!  Another big blessing has been the addition of DV8 church, an evening church with a different look and a different style but the same desire to reach the lost in our area.  God is with us and hearts are being changed even before our official launch.  Soon I hope to sit down and write about so many other thoughts God has given me - but not today - they will have to wait for yet another dental appointment to be finished.  God is good and we are thankful!

A Year of Discontent?

I sat down today to review this Blog site, hoping to gain some insights for good from what was a rough year for me, physically.  I am old enough and smart enough to realize that often we gain our greatest strength from seemingly insurmountable events in our lives.  Looking back on my husband's heart attack in 2006, our retirement from active pastoral ministry in 2001, my diabetes diagnosis in 2008, losing my mom in 1995 and all of my 5 sisters in the following 20 years - I know I wrote a lot on Facebook during those times, and detailed God's presence and help - but it looks like there is lots more to tell as 2018 is in full swing.  My daily Journals are pretty complete but 2017 is surprisingly missing as far as blogs are concerned. 

I know it started out with a nighttime reminder from God to love my children and others unconditionally, just as He loves me. I got new curls in January, too, and a new bathroom tile and shower walls,  and Mr. Trump was certified President by the Electoral College in answer to  prayer, I believe.  So it began well and February was just as full of praise, but March is where the first, "I'm not feeling well today" appeared.  It turned out to be a sinus infection that would not be cleared up until at least June!  By that time I had heart problems, a trip to the Black Hills for a wedding, my first attack of vertigo when we returned, a complete heart work-up in July,  and a Journal chock-full of praise through it all!  Re-reading the Psalms sure helped those months, of course... 

August continued with the horrible allergy season and added teeth problems, which were finally fixed in January 2018, lots more dizziness problems, blood pressure issues, AND the fullest Journal in years because of all the wonderful things God did during the last 6 months of 2017.  January of 2018 ended with some symptoms that necessitated a trip to a neurologist, but they are all so busy that it will be another 10 days, as I write this, before I even get in to see him.  Meanwhile, I have just finished a sonogram of my kidneys and arteries surrounding them.  I think there is justification for no blog entries in 2017 but I hope to rectify that in 2018 and be more faithful.  Until then, there is lots to be learned in my Journals and Facebook posts - especially how great is the goodness and mercy of God in every situation, and how very important it is to hide His Word in your heart for when the hard times come.  I surely have no complaints regarding the life I have lived, so far.  I only pray to never lose sight of the good when I am overwhelmed with the seemingly bad. I am so very thankful for all His blessings and His provision for me and mine.  And I end this blog as I started - with new curls! 

Decisions may be life-changing

Note to self: next time you wake up with something on your mind that you need to write down - do it before you read the news. Your perspective will be changed before you get a chance to write what was on your mind! Oh, well, anyway, I woke up with decisions on my mind and one decision in particular that I made 52 years ago. It was a day or two before Christmas and I was having a serious discussion with my then-current sweetie (as opposed to my then-ex sweetie, which is a long story) and the discussion threatened to take a monumental turn. He was weary from health issues with his dad, educational issues with current post-graduate studies, and romance issues with this young lady who could not seem to make up her mind just which direction she wanted to go. He finally declared that he was just giving up on (me) because nothing was working out! Well, that put the "fear of God" in me and I practically begged him to reconsider us and give me another chance to figure life out. He did, and I did, and the rest is history! So Christmas 52 years ago I received an earthly gift that is still giving and though it is not quite as important as the Gift God gave us so long ago, it sure ranks right up there with things to be thankful for. This Christmas Day 2016 I thank God once again for sending His Son to make a way for me to know God and have my sins forgiven. Then, secondly, I thank Him for sending me my life-long sweetheart and best earthly friend. Truly, I need no other gifts because I have all I need! Of course, if you have already purchased something, well...but Merry Christmas to all my friends and family. Looking forward to worshiping Him today on His birthday celebration day - hope you are, too

A Healing Light on an Old Problem

I was looking through some old journals throughout July and into August.  I like to do that to remind me of what I have learned throughout the years, and to remind me of my past blessings when current problems arise.  Two weeks ago I was re-reading my kids' comments from a Fathers Day service at our church - things they learned from their Dad - and it moved me to tears all over again!  But as I read the remarks it (finally) occurred to me that I could say many of those same things about my own Dad - I never do, though, because I did not ever feel that I had a personal and loving relationship with him.  I was afraid of him from my earliest memories - he was big and I was small, he had a loud voice and I was very quiet, he really spanked those naughty brothers of mine and that scared me - and I do not ever remember hugs and kisses from him, though my mom insisted he loved me and was very proud of me.  But this past August 5th was kind of a wake-up call for me.  I believe I have dwelt on the negatives and just let the positives pass me by all these years.  Now, because of my kids' thoughtful comments on my husband as a father, I am moved to highlight the ways in which my Dad shaped me for the good and helped me become what I am today.  I should, then, say thanks to my wonderful sweetheart for showing me what a real father is, and that I really did have one of my own all those years!  My Dad always provided for his family, which could not have been easy with 10 kids and depression years and a country at war a good share of that time.  He did not go into debt, except for our house in the city, which cost a whopping $5,000 and took at least 20 years to pay for.  We had lots of food, adequate clothing, a safe family life, good shelter, and constant supervision and care.  He always made sure we did well in school, that we did not talk back to anyone, that we respected our elders.  Dad did not accept crude or cursing language, he insisted on modest dress at home and in public.  He loved my mom totally and faithfully.  He disciplined when necessary being much more gentle with the sisters than with the brothers.  He encouraged me when I began to follow Christ, though he never went to church the whole time I knew him (except for weddings).  Mom and Dad had met at church, though, as they were in choir together.  In later pictures and videos of my family, I do see more smiles on Dad's face, and the joy that his family evidently gave him.  Before he died we did make a truce, of sorts.  He met me at the train one day as I went back to college for another year, and for some reason I gave him a hug and told him I loved him.  He was really surprised and said, "I love you, too!"  I have wished since then that I had tried that tactic much earlier and maybe things would have been different!  At any rate, though it has taken me a very long time, I think I can now say that I was blessed by the father that God gave to me, and that he did in many ways model my Heavenly Father for me.  He was imperfect, and I now see that I should have been looking at his heart and seeing the real him.  God has certainly done that for me and I should have been doing it all along for all those around me!

My Dad would be 113 tomorrow, August 17, 2016, if he were still alive.  Maybe I have cried fewer tears over his passing in 1968 because of my failure to understand him.  But now that I finally see the "light", I expect it will hurt more.  I have a hope that he and my wonderful Mom will someday greet me on Heaven's shores and we can all sit down and rejoice in healed memories.  Isn't God good?!!

The Sisters

Jennifer (my oldest grand-daughter) used to refer to her sisters as, "the sisters," like as though they were a separate group within the family.  I never did that, but I could have.  I had 5 living sisters growing up, and I was next to the youngest of them.  They were all so very different from me, and even from each other.  Marion was the most like me and we spent many hours together, even after she married and moved to their own place.  We were both more quiet, introspective, traditional - linear thinkers - and more like my mom than the others.  Doris was more likely to go in her own direction, and that included an early marriage and large family. She was very caring, though, and spent a lot of time with us even after moving out and across the river with her Charlie  and their kids.  Towards the end, she and I were in almost daily contact, spending much time reliving memories and talking about how hard it was to lose her husband.  She missed him so much, and never really got over it. She had COPD for many years and struggled a lot.  Frances never married and she and Shirley lived at home, taking care of my mom throughout the 16 years of mom's Parkinson's Disease.  They both worked outside the home, too.  Frances spent most of the years working at a book publishing factory and Shirley at The Sheltered Workshop, which employed handicapped people. Shirley had polio as a teenager and never was really strong.  She was quite introverted and a real homebody.  She always walked the couple of miles to work and spent evenings at home.  Shirley loved Pepsi, raw onions, and cigarettes.  She kept her love and caring pretty much inside herself, though.  Now, Frances, on the other hand, called everybody "Love" and was much more outgoing and confident!  She had strong opinions and did not hesitate to voice them.  She is the sister who gave me the most grief growing up, but she eventually had an experience with Christ and became a good friend to me.  She always had a cat and the cat was always a cantankerous one - make of that what you will - and she took a lot of teasing over that.  

The three brothers were next and could be the subject of an entire post some day.  But after them is where I fit in.  This is a good spot, because it meant that all the hand-me-downs were worn out and so I needed new clothes every school year!  As my younger sister and I grew to be similar in size, we were able to share a wardrobe and that gave us double the outfits each year - pretty neat, huh?!  We thought so! Joyce and I were almost a new set of sisters because we were so much younger than the others.  We were the "pests" that "the sisters" had to care for each evening as my mom worked at a local restaurant.  Dad was in no way a baby-sitter and "the sisters" never really had a choice.  I didn't feel sorry for them at the time but I did understand later. They and the brothers all felt that we were babied and had it so much easier than they had experienced.  So, we did have a fair amount of sibling rivalry going on and lots of arguments, etc. I think that perhaps Joyce had it the hardest of all because she had no one to "be the boss of " like we all did.  That is possibly why she decided to make her own way in the world much earlier than the rest of us.  She made some choices that I did  not see coming because I had headed off to college by then and was in my own world.  I know life was not easy for her for awhile and I so wish we had all been better people then.  Lots of regrets on our parts - but I have always been so very proud of how she turned out, and the wonderful person she became.

I really have loved/missed all of my sisters, and always will.  Today is June 15, though, and today Joyce would have been 72 if she had not passed away last year.  I know that all her kids are missing her as much as I am, and that is why I am writing today.  Life is a wonderful gift to us, given by God.  He places us in families for our care, love, and enjoyment.  My blood family is the one He chose for me and I am so very grateful to Him!  I love them all - just 2 brothers and I remain - and someday I hope to see them all again. Then I will be able to thank God for them, and also for His very evident love for me!  Happy Birthday, Joyce!

March Days

Growing up in my large family, we sometimes combined all the birthdays in a month and just had one party.  It saved money, etc, but not everyone was happy.  I was one of the many July birthdays and so I never really got my own party but it was okay.  Now that I have my own family, I am noticing that life is repeating itself - only now the dominant month seems to be May.  February is good, too, but today I decided to check out March, since my own wonderful husband celebrates his 76th birthday tomorrow.  What I found was that while my immediate family only has 2 birthdays and one anniversary this month, I could add 2 sisters and a niece and it becomes quite crowded.  My sister Marion was born on March 27, and she was the oldest of the siblings (one had died in infancy before Marion).  I was around 12 years younger than she was, yet we were so very much alike and had a special relationship from the very beginning.  I remember when I had rheumatic fever and had my tonsils out and missed a month of school -  Marion brought me special gifts and spent time with me.
After she married, I would spend lots of time at her house and we would go shopping, attend concerts and operas together.  Her husband took pictures of everything and everyone, and most of the pictures of me that still exist were taken by him when I visited them.  While I was in college, the friendship continued long-distance.  After my marriage, she and her husband would come to visit us, once by boat, and often by car.  Once we moved from New York, she would help us finance the few trips back for a Christmas, or other special times.  She also flew out to Oklahoma to visit us, and had tickets purchased for a bus trip to Iowa to see us, when her heart gave out unexpectedly and she passed away.  I love the memories I have with each sister - it's just that there was something special between Marion and me, and I will always treasure that!                                                                        
My other "March sister" was Shirley, born on the 11th, about 8 years (and 3 brothers) before me!  Shirley had a rough life because she contracted polio in her early teens and would go on to have several relapses in the subsequent 57 years before she died at age 70 (I think).  She had to wear braces, attend a special school, and miss out on a lot of living that teenagers and young people value.  She worked at a Sheltered Workshop for many years, and never married.  We kidded a lot about the fact that our most vivid memory of Shirley was how she liked to stand over the heat register, eating a raw onion, and drinking a Pepsi. But she was really as loving a sister as she could be with all that she faced.  She tried hard to guide my younger sister and me and "protect" us from the brothers.  Shirley never wrote much, never called on the phone, but was always so very glad to see me when we would visit back in New York.  I did love her and always wished I had known her better.

My March memories are mostly good and it is fun to look back and enjoy the past.  On March 15, though, I am especially happy because it means that for one more full year God has let me have my sweetheart with me!  I am very blessed and so I say, once more, "Happy Birthday" to my sweet husband, who turns 76 in this 2016!  How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways....

Adjusting my shoestrings

These days, life seems to be all about "adjusting".  I have had to adjust the distance of my computer in order to avoid some carpal tunnel-type arm issues and I have had trouble adjusting the shoelaces on my walking shoes.  If they are too tight on one shoe but not the other, then I don't walk normally and thus not as long or as frequently.  If the right shoe, especially, is too loose, then the right leg seems to want to compensate and becomes too tired too quickly.  It is important for my health that I walk regularly, so I am paying close attention to this issue.  It occurs to me, though, that lately I have had to "adjust" my Christianity more often, too, for my spiritual health.  Sometimes I feel like I have stepped back into Romans 7, where I find myself doing and saying things that I don't want to do or say.  What is that all about!?  I am long past that, or have been for many years - yet when I least expect it, an attitude appears and takes over, briefly, until I get control of it again.  Spiritually, the control over such things is found in Romans 8 (the power of the life-giving Spirit), just as my physical walking seems to be controlled by the strength of the shoelace.

So, lately, I have been adjusting my walk with Christ - checking on the strength and restraint of the Holy Spirit in my life.  He is willing and able to keep me walking straight and "normally" and regularly (for my health).  How did things become loose, allowing attitudes and behaviors to creep in that don't belong in my life?  Have I been lax in check-ups lately?  Have I allowed the cares of this world to influence me too much?  Have I let "the Deceiver" change me into a situational Christian, standing up only when it seems easy or popular and taking the easy way out the rest of the time?  These are questions I have asked myself and my prayer is that He will see my heart and know that more than anything I want to be like Him and never hinder His glory and witness in my world.  I don't want to be a casual Christian, either, where I am relaxed too much and never do the hard work that it takes to stay right with God.

Sometimes, when my right leg gets "wonky" and wobbly and uncomfortable, I wonder if there is an artery clogged that is hindering the blood flow and needs to be checked and opened.  So, spiritually, I am checking that the "artery" is not clogged that sends the blood between the Holy Spirit and me.  This is a life-giving issue and on this I am not willing to delay!  "Lord, hear my prayer and re-open any pathways that have been blocked between you and me!  Give me, again, the refreshing flow of your Presence and your Spirit  so that I can continue to grow and flourish in this wonderful life you have given to me.  Adjust the tension on the shoelaces of my spiritual walking shoes so that I am more productive and healthy and walking as I should..."  I am thinking that a healthy dose of  Romans 8 is in order for this Wednesday morning in January!

Remembering my sister, Doris

I am thinking today of my sister Doris, who would be 86 today, if she were still alive.  She was born in 1929 and died in 2007 during a time in my life that was already rough.  My husband had had a massive heart attack less than a year earlier.  We were in the midst of buying a computer sales and service business in town.  There were also other family members experiencing stress during that time.  When the call came, we were at the business, setting it up, and so there was no time to grieve and no way to gather with other sisters and brothers to talk.  So, I sat down and wrote in my journal random memories of her - no real order, just as they came to mind.  I will share them here as I remember them.  She and I were very close, even though she was child #3 and I was child #9 so there was quite an age difference.  I would have been just 12 years old when she married and she and her new husband moved into our extra living room for the first year, until they and their new daughter moved into a house across the river from us (we could look across and see it but had to take the long way around to visit them, which I did many times during the years that they lived there). So I was a fairly young aunt and spent much time with the family.  They eventually had 5 children and it was a wonderful time for me.  She was a very generous sister and eager to help me in any time of need.  She came to church with me a few times after I was saved in 1955 but never did regularly attend church.  The fellow she married was a few years younger than her but died 6 years before she did. They had a good marriage and she told me regularly to cherish my husband because however long we have will never be long enough to love and be loved by him, and she was so very right!  After my sister Marion died in 1998, Doris hosted a dinner after the memorial service.  Many of us were able to gather and talk about Marion and also about my mom who had died 3 years previous. Most of us kids were too far away and unable to gather for mom's service, so she had been cremated and privately buried.  That experience had been really hard on me, so when we all got together in 1998 it served as a double healing time for us.  Doris and I communicated mostly through e-mail in the last years of her life and I printed most of them out and pasted them in my journals.  It is wonderful to be able to go back from time to time and "spend time" with her in this way.  God gave to me a wonderful heritage and a secure and mostly pleasant childhood.  My sisters all played different parts in this, and Doris will forever hold a special place in my heart.  She sure loved her dog, Dusty, and she also loved her grandkids.    Her son Billy and his wife Sue were so good to her, as were son Bobby and wife Lynn.  Her daughter Nancy remained close, in spite of some rough patches.  Daughter Donna Jean was also close but they had some problems at the end.  Her daughter Sharon was more of a mystery to me since I had moved away while she was growing up.  You can see her in my wedding pictures, however, as my sweet little flower girl.  Most of all, her husband Charlie was her entire life.  She never really learned how to live without him after he died in 2001,  One other thing I remember her saying to me was, "You're lucky your kids are so good to you," because she did not always feel that way about hers.  So, today is a day of remembering for me but the memories are good and I am blessed to have them.

After the Milestone

This past weekend we celebrated our Golden Wedding Anniversary!  When you are young and in love you can hardly think past the ceremony and honeymoon - let alone lasting 50 years!  Who can tell you what it takes to live and love with the same man for 50 years until the feat has actually been accomplished.  Well, now I have an answer to that question.  First, you have to have a commitment mentality.  You have to decide that you will stick it out, no matter what (unless it gets dangerous or evil, of course).  And you need to seek God's will and guidance in your choice of prospective mate, so that you are both in agreement on the commitment thing.  It takes 3 to make a marriage last and God is the 3rd person. I think it is still true that, "the family that prays together, stays together."  Next, you need to be supportive of each other, in every way possible.  Strive to put each other first, no matter how hard that sometimes is.  Show love and kindness to each other and if you argue, make up before you retire for the night.  When you are blessed with children, be sure you put each other first and the children second, and all others come next.  This brings security to everyone, especially the children, who will not have to worry about the home breaking up.  Also, it is good to share household duties so that neither one feels put upon.  Together you can decide the division of jobs and don't worry about that 50-50 idea.  Next, be sure to have fun together and have time alone regularly.  And be honest with each other - that saves a lot of arguments!  Make important decisions together and let the other details fall to whoever has the most expertise or interests in those areas.  All these thoughts are just a rough outline of what I think it takes to succeed in a marriage.  How you flesh it out will be unique to each couple, but these are some basics.  Above all, always try to think ahead when troubles arise - working it out is always the best solution and leads to the greatest happiness and contentment.  I will always think that I got the better deal when my sweetheart and I married.  The thing is, he feels like he got the better deal!  Sounds like a win-win situation!  So let's see: commitment, God, prayer, each other first, share the load, enjoy each other, be honest, be loving, be kind, count your blessings - sounds good!  And the 50 years, while not always easy, is worth the effort!
                                                                                                                                                              *Just a random thought:  this getting old is not easy on any score.  Our bodies change, we get tired, we get cranky, but what's inside is still what is important.  Our hearts were knit together all those years ago and they still are - I don't ever want to live without him, and that is what makes 50 years possible and precious.  God desires this kind of marriage and His strength and help is always available.

Remembering my sister, Joyce

I had been wanting to post something substantial about my sister Joyce since she passed away just a short while ago.  The obituary would have been a good place to start, to introduce my friends to her - but the obituary was not complete and was very disappointing, not even mentioning her surviving brothers and sister!  After stressing over this for a month or so, I contacted my niece Wendy and asked her to do a post for me about her mom and I will include it here, for my comfort and so that my friends may see that the sister I lost had real value, as do all God's children.  I will begin with the obituary and then let Wendy continue:

Joyce Elaine Brown Backus, 70, of Whitney Point, lost a very courageous battle with cancer while she was surrounded by all of her loving children at her home on Wednesday, February 18, 2015. She was predeceased by her husband, Douglas Leon Backus, Sr.; father, Ralph Julian Brown; mother, Mildred (Tarbox) Brown; sisters, Marion Frid, Doris Hiza, Frances Brown, Shirley Ruth Brown, infant sister Irene Alice, and by a brother, Ralph Leon Brown. Joyce is survived by her children: DeAnna (Duane) Briggs, William Backus, Wendy (John) Wade, Ralph (Mickey) Backus, Wayne (Jenn) Backus, Kevin (Jen) Backus and Vicki (Adam) Wells. She is also survived by special friend, Janet Shawley, sister (Marjorie Louise Brown(Rowland) Benedict of Red Cloud, Nebraska) and two brothers (Julian Llewlyn (Sharron) Brown of Hemet, California, and Donald Lloyd (Sharon) Brown of Palm Harbor, Florida). She had many grandchildren and great grandchildren that were the loves of her life. At Joyce's request private services are under direction of Nichols Funeral Home, 7323 119th St., Whitney Point, NY 13862, and condolences may be sent to the family at www.nicholsfuneral.com.

Wendy Wade:

Joyce was my Mother, my protector, my confidante, my teacher and my friend.
For my whole life, my mother was the most beautiful, loving, caring woman in the world. I can remember as a young child, we would wake up for school in the morning and it was quite obvious that she had been up for hours. She would be hanging laundry out back and she would have our breakfast ready for us. Dad would already be gone to work for the day with his lunch and thermos of coffee that Mom had prepared for him. After breakfast, Mom would check to make sure that we looked our best, fix our hair and make sure we had everything when she sent us to the bus stop. When we got home, it was obvious that she spent her day cleaning the house and preparing a wonderful meal for her family. She always made sure that we all had enough to eat. After dinner and dishes, she would give us our baths and get us ready for bed. My hair was down my back to my waist, Mom used to brush through my hair and braid it so it wouldn't be tangled in the morning. She would put it in a bun for school.
When we did wrong, if it wasn't serious, she would protect us from Dad's harsh punishment and keep our wrongdoings a secret as long as we didn't do it again. Mom loved her coffee(black) and her cigarettes. She loved hamburgers on the grill, baked beans and anything lemon. Mom loved all of her kids and always worried about us. She also loved her grandkids and her great grandkids. She had special frames on her dining room wall. One for grands and one for great grands. She struggled a lot when Dad passed away. She felt very lonely and missed him dearly.
Mom enjoyed Bingo, going to the clothing bank, sitting on her porch visiting with anyone and playing cards. Mom will always be remembered for her famous macaroni salad and her chili. Also her apple cookies with maple GLAZE.
Mom had the greenest eyes I have ever seen. You could get lost in them. Mom had a sense of humor too. She was always doing silly things to make people laugh. I cannot remember one time when Mom ever spent money on herself. She never bought herself new clothes or shoes. Everything she wore was from the clothing bank. She was very selfless. This was one thing that always bothered me. As I reflect on things, she never really had anything of any worth. I guess you can say that her children are her prize possessions.
Mom loved Conway Twitty, Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette and George Jones. I was so happy that I got the honor of taking her to a Conway Twitty concert when he came to Binghamton. She was so cute watching him up on stage. She was just like a teenager, I had great fun with her that day.
Mom was always there to help the elderly neighbors also. She would shovel for them in the winter and rake for them in the fall. She would also go to the store and the post office for them as well. One of Mom's last selfless acts was when Vicky got married. Mom was on oxygen and worried about her appearance and her breathing, but she went to Vicky and Adam's wedding and danced a "Mother/Daughter dance" with Vicky while wearing a brooch with Dad's picture in it. She told Vicky that now she had her Mom and her Dad at her wedding. There was not a dry eye in the place! Another show of how wonderful Mom was, was in her final 2 days on earth. We all wanted many pictures and special memories to hold forever. She would smile for all of the pictures because she knew how much it meant to all of us. MOM, I LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE WITH EACH PASSING DAY and if I become even half the woman and mother that you are, I will truly be proud!

When I (Marj) read what Wendy had written I was in tears and still am over how much of my sister's life I missed after we moved so far away and could only be together every few years.  I was not surprised at her parenting style, or her clean house, or her neighborly love, because that is so much like our mom!  As her sister, I spent the usual time in sibling rivalry, as did we all, and when I left to go to  college, I saw precious little of her from then on.  With marriage and children, so far from each other, I lost what could have been wonderful times.  I only wish we could have remedied that, but it was not possible.  I think she knew how much I loved her and she will always be so very special to me in my memories and in my heart!  It makes my mourning easier to share just a bit of her with my wonderful friends and family, so thanks for reading.

Singing I go...

I live in a really nice apartment complex these days, where most of our neighbors are friendly, caring, like-minded folks!  Many of them are older, but not all.  We have several things that we do as a group and one of these is Thursday morning devotions in our community room.  We start at about 8:30 a.m. with visiting and making coffee, setting out hymnals, etc.  At 9:00 we are ready to move nearer to the clavinova (electric piano-type instrument) and we spend half an hour requesting and singing together our favorite hymns of the day, and sometimes a new one we want to learn.  These are older hymnals so all the songs are old and only a few of us know every song in the book.  Today, we were singing along with mostly sunshine songs because many of us are weary of the rainy week we have had, and the sun is actually shining today!  Right in the middle of "There is sunshine in my soul today, more glorious and bright, than glows in any earthly sky, for Jesus is my Light," suddenly I remembered the chorus of a song that we used to sing long ago  about singing along life's road because Jesus has lifted my load.  I requested it, though many had never heard it and I only remembered the chorus, and we all agreed it was a wonderful song!  When the "preacher of the day" began to speak, he mentioned how much peace he felt as soon as he arrived and heard us singing along.  And he is right!  We find so much peace in singing of what Christ has done for/in us, and in how He walks with us and makes our earthly load so much lighter.  It makes our journey easier and our earthly life more meaningful.  For some reason this all made me think of a locket that Stacy and I are creating for me, in which the charms tell the story of "me".  So far, we have a coffee cup, a cross, a book, a mom charm, and a ladies retreat charm.  We are going to add a blog charm and for sure a musical notes charm.  These are all the things that make up "Marj", or at least many of the things that are me.  I think a journal will have to be included, too, now that I think of it!  But the biggest thing that I know lately is that I love to sing and that there is a song for every situation I encounter!  These songs are sustaining me, comforting me, teaching me, connecting me to Jesus and to my Father God.  "I have a song that Jesus gave to me that was sent from Heaven above" and today I am praying for my friends and family that are in danger of losing their song, because of life's burdens.  I am praying that the Spirit will come alongside them and remind them of the Song that is in their heart, and will give them strength to sing it again. If it starts out slower and sad, then I am praying that it will increase in joy as they sing!  Perhaps you will help me be a songleader today and get the songs started - can we do that?

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

It has been one of those "different" nights - where I sleep for a few hours, think  for a few hours, sleep a few more, and then get up to start the day.  It is 4:20 a.m. and I think I am up for the day because there is something I want to remember to say, and I might not remember it if I sleep for awhile.  Today is Good Friday and we will be thinking much about how our Jesus died for us on that cross so long ago, and naturally that reminds me of a song (or two, or lots more).  In my hours of musings last night I thought about all I should be doing in many different areas of my life - spiritually, around the house, investing in friends and family, stuff like that. I prayed for several who are going through difficult things.  Then a song came to mind that we used to hear a lot.  Part of it goes, "Did you ever know that you're my hero?  You're everything I long to be,"  at least that is how I remember it.  And I got to thinking about folks that I have thought of as my heroes from time to time.  That list can be obtained if you private message me but if I list them I will probably miss someone or hurt some feelings, so I think I won't do that.  They are all family members and friends and all very precious to me!  I ran through the list in my mind last night and when I came to the line, "you're everything I long to be," I realized that there was really no one that I could use the word "everything" for - there is that temper one has, or that crude language I don't like from another, or lifestyle choices that I don't consider God-honoring.  I love and look up to each one for the good things and just pray for the things I wish I could change.  I was forcefully reminded, at that point, that probably all my loved ones have to do the same with regard to me!  Wow, is that a humbling thought!  So, it occurred to me that the only one I could really sing that song to would be Jesus.  He is everything I long to be.  He is my hero, the wind beneath my wings, my reason for living, my role model, my saviour, my comforter - the list could go on and on!  "Jesus, did you ever know that you're my hero?  No one else embodies all that I long to be.  I thank you so much for dying for me on that cross and that you now live in me and give me strength and a reason to live in this fallen world!  Thank you for Easter and the wonderful celebration that it is and the hope that it brings!  Help me and my family and friends to live in such a way that more parts of our lives will be hero-worthy, for the sake of those who follow us and those who look to our daily lives for an answer to their important questions."

Turning 75

It is time to embarrass my husband by telling the world (well, my world, anyway) what a great guy he is!  We have been married for almost 50 years now, and how does a marriage last this long - or even 60 or 75 years?  Well, for starters, he's not the same man I married way back then, and that is both good and bad, because I am not the same girl he married!  We have been through a lot and I wouldn't change a thing, except for do-overs where I have failed him - I expect he feels the same way!  For 50 years he has been willing all along to change and reinvent himself for me - to be what I needed as time changed.  He has always been loving, serving, always thinking of me before himself!  He began as a country boy, changed to fit this city girl, and now that he is retired he is back to country boy (which is where his heart has always been).  He has stuck with me through thick and thin and done whatever it took to stay with me until the end of time.  What I wanted, and what he wanted - well they did not always match up, but he was always willing to make it work.  Now, as for the ways I have changed, etc., well that is another whole Blog entry.  Nothing of value seems to come easy, but it has all been worth it.  Who knew that these kids of 23 and 25 had what it took to make it last 50 years?!  Well, give the credit to this sweet, shy, handsome young man beside me, who turns 75 on Sunday.  I thank God daily for each new day with him!  The 50 years comes in August, but it does not hurt to celebrate all the birthdays in between  :) so flood his facebook site or his e-mail with good wishes - at least enough to last until August 28!!

Redeem the Time

Been thinking today about the family into which I was born.  Mom and Dad had 10 children and 9 of them lived to adulthood.  There were 5 girls, then 3 boys, then 2 more girls.  My sister Joyce and I are the only girls still alive, and 2 of the boys remain.  Growing up was pretty normal for us 2 tag - alongs  but of course our normal was worlds different from the normal of the 7 before us (one died in infancy).  They were farm kids come to town and Joyce and I were city kids through and through.  As we grew up, my dad worked Monday through Friday from 6 a.m. to 3 p.m. and my mom worked outside the home from 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. every night but Mondays.   The older kids, then, had a lot of responsibility for us younger ones - and that caused strife more often than not!  When I was about 13 years old, things began to change as some of my brothers and sisters got married and moved out.  The squabbles became fewer,  and life was still not always easy, but all in all I had a loving family. Someday I need to spend some time talking with my own kids about all my memories - about things they would enjoy knowing and about lessons I learned that would maybe save them some angst.  We have done a certain amount of this, of course, but as life gets busier and busier, the opportunities to talk about the past become fewer and fewer.  But what causes my melancholy today is, simply, the passage of time and the recognition of lost opportunities in my own life.  My mom and dad are gone, one brother is gone, and 4 of the girls I grew up with and loved are gone.  Just 2 brothers and my sister, Joyce, remain.  This week, my sister has been in hospice care, in pain and having a very rough time.  She is strong and all her family is with her, surrounding her with love in the midst of her pain. I am mourning the many "I love you"s that were not said, the "I am proud of you"s that were not said, the lack of time together as we all grew older and went our own ways.  I wish I could go back and get some "do-overs", but I cannot.  All I can do is leave it all in God's hands.  He knows our hearts and He also holds our loved ones in His hands.  Tonight I want to remind us all that life is really very short and not to waste it or fill it with regrets.  Lift a prayer for my sister and for her kids, tonight, and if you can, encourage each other.  Proverbs 12:25 says, "Anxious hearts are very heavy but a word of encouragement does wonders.".  My sister is soon to cross over and we will be left to grieve.  God is so good to us and does not leave us alone - we will praise His dear name and thank Him for His promise of eternal life for those who love Him and believe in Him.

Thanksgiving Blog

Saturday morning I was walking through our cute little apartment (it was cold outside) smiling as I walked because everything in it gives me pleasure!  As I passed the 'fridge I noticed a sheet entitled, "Count Your Blessings."  I took it with me, thinking it would make a good Blog entry.  It has wonderful verses and would be good to share with you all.  But, wait!  Underneath it is one of my most favorite scriptures, found in Proverbs 30, verses 7 and 8.  In my Living Bible it reads, "O God, I beg two favors from you before I die.  First, help me never to tell a lie.  Second, give me neither poverty nor riches!  Give me just enough to satisfy my needs."  So, as I walked I considered what my needs are that must be satisfied in November of 2014.  I guess a new perm (old curls looking scraggly) might not be a  need, but soon it might be!  Same with our own Internet Connection, though Dan and Stacy have been gracious to share theirs with us.  New tires on the van to assure safe Winter travel?  Yes, that qualifies as a need.  I would sure love new shoes since the ones I walk in every day are torn and falling apart and don't give good support anymore - I think that is a need.  So far, our monthly Social Security check has paid our bills, but not much else.  I think I need that to continue, but most of our normal expenses are costing more next year.  All I can do is leave that in God's Hands, since a fixed income is just that - a fixed income and there is no lee-way.  

Okay, now let me tell you what I really WANT - see what you think.  I want my 3 kids and their spouses to all be healthy, cared for, serving Christ, and seeking to please God on a daily basis.  I want the same for all my grandkids and my great-grandkids.  I want my husband to be with me for as long as God leaves me on this Earth.  I want us both to be healthy enough to get around and interact with our friends and neighbors.  I want to be able to continue reading my Bible, because it gives me so much pleasure and draws me closer to the Saviour I love.  I want to be able to hear the conversations around me so I can laugh with my friends and join in the discussions in Sunday School.  I want to continue to be able to delight in the pictures of my loved ones and pray for each one as I pass their pictures on the walls of our apartment.  I want to be healthy enough to go to church on Sundays and sing my heart out and marvel at the gifts God has given our preacher-son, as we all worship together.  I want everyone in my family to be at peace with one another.  These are some of my wants that really pose as needs to me.  Does it sound as though I am not thankful for what I have?  Not so!  I am so blessed and I know it full well.  So, I guess I am asking God to give me clarity (that word is for Dan) this Thanksgiving so that I can see how He is satisfying my needs in every situation and so that I will really thank Him in word and deed.  I am thankful for all His provision and for the many answers to prayer this year.  Sometimes the joy overflows so much that it cannot be contained - and I wish the same for all of you!

My Brother Leon

I am thinking today of one of my brothers because his birthday is today, or would be if he had not passed away in 1989. Ralph Leon Brown, but we called him Leon, was the middle of the three brothers, and I remember him as different from the other two in many ways. He always seemed gentle and unassuming and sometimes just out of place in his world. I remember him always saying, "Hi, it's me," when he called on the phone, as though there is no one else it could have been! I remember him telling me excitedly of his decision to follow Jesus, made at a small Baptist church a couple of blocks from our home. I believe he was really sincere and I have always wondered how his life was in Florida, after his wife left him and took his youngest child with her. He had been diagnosed with an inoperable tumor at the base of his brain and she said his behavior became unpredictable. He wrote me in a letter once that I was always his favorite sister (he had 5 others to choose from) and that he felt he could have stayed more true to his faith if we had been closer geographically. I have lost touch with his family and wish that I had been less busy in those days. I was thinking last night how very blessed I am with the family God put me in, and the one He blessed me with (my husband and children and grand-children and great-grandchildren) and what a great life we live, especially when we know the Creator and Giver of life as our Friend and Saviour!

Christmas Memories

Being mildly OCD lately, I am finding it difficult to just write about Christmas memories without categorizing them, or dividing them into different places we have lived, or extended family times vs nuclear family times or before kids vs after kids and empty nests, etc.  So I guess I will just have to write whatever pops into my head and see what happens.  My first and most persistent memory is always of my little girl Christmases when we awoke so very early on Christmas day but had to wait until after dinner to open our Christmas gifts because by then my older brothers and sisters were making families of their own and we had to wait until they all had their own Christmas and then joined us all at our house for the big celebration!  Those of us who were the youngest in the family were very upset at having to wait until the rest got there, but mom and dad had their way (imagine that!).  When all the rest of the clan arrived, we had a big dinner, then the adults insisted that we do all the dishes and clean the whole place up before gifts could even be opened.  Talk about anticipation!  And, really, being a low-income family, we mostly got the same thing each year - clothes, pajamas, maybe a new doll, etc., but still we were excited.  And since we started at the youngest child and went all the way to the top of the list (9 living children), one at a time, it was a long time between gifts for us.  Now don't make any judgments, yet.  I was only a little kid, for goodness' sake.  And then there was my brother-in-law, Uncle Cliff, who always brought his video stuff and filmed everything that went on.  He left us so many wonderful pictures of life back then, and pictures of my family members at all stages.  It was all a very exciting day, even if it did usually result in some arguments and some hurt feelings (as I remember it).  To this day, I am most happy when my holidays are celebrated with a large group - that is when I feel most at home!  When my husband and I and our 3 children moved to Lincoln, Nebraska in 1975, those first several Christmases were hard to deal with.  I loved my own children and husband so much, but we were only 5 as opposed to, say, 25 and I was lonely.  The song, "I'll Be Home for Christmas" brought many tears.  Then the church people took it upon themselves to make us a real part of their families and celebrations became happier.  My Lincoln memories are mostly happy ones and it is all because of those wonderful folks who took us in and became our mom and dad and brothers and sisters.  One other Lincoln memory is that we usually got a Christmas money gift from the church after the annual Christmas Program.  With it we would then be able to go Christmas shopping, and the kids' Christmas was limited to the size of the church money gift.  Also, since the program was very close to Christmas itself, we would run down to the Convenience store a block away (Swing In?) and buy stuff to fill their stockings.  To this day, when I think of Christmas stockings, I think of lip gloss, combs, candy, nail clippers - things you find in a convenience store.

Now, if I begin to think Christmas in Oshkosh, it always revolves around the Kuglers (a large group) and the happy times there.  And then there is Enid, then DesMoines, then Bartlesville, then Custer - I may be here all day and then I will think of stuff I forgot.  But all that has ever mattered to me is family, friends, kindred hearts, and remembering that Jesus was born on that day to provide a way for me to know God and to find eternal life.  I am, of all people, most blessed on this Christmas 2013!