A Healing Light on an Old Problem

I was looking through some old journals throughout July and into August.  I like to do that to remind me of what I have learned throughout the years, and to remind me of my past blessings when current problems arise.  Two weeks ago I was re-reading my kids' comments from a Fathers Day service at our church - things they learned from their Dad - and it moved me to tears all over again!  But as I read the remarks it (finally) occurred to me that I could say many of those same things about my own Dad - I never do, though, because I did not ever feel that I had a personal and loving relationship with him.  I was afraid of him from my earliest memories - he was big and I was small, he had a loud voice and I was very quiet, he really spanked those naughty brothers of mine and that scared me - and I do not ever remember hugs and kisses from him, though my mom insisted he loved me and was very proud of me.  But this past August 5th was kind of a wake-up call for me.  I believe I have dwelt on the negatives and just let the positives pass me by all these years.  Now, because of my kids' thoughtful comments on my husband as a father, I am moved to highlight the ways in which my Dad shaped me for the good and helped me become what I am today.  I should, then, say thanks to my wonderful sweetheart for showing me what a real father is, and that I really did have one of my own all those years!  My Dad always provided for his family, which could not have been easy with 10 kids and depression years and a country at war a good share of that time.  He did not go into debt, except for our house in the city, which cost a whopping $5,000 and took at least 20 years to pay for.  We had lots of food, adequate clothing, a safe family life, good shelter, and constant supervision and care.  He always made sure we did well in school, that we did not talk back to anyone, that we respected our elders.  Dad did not accept crude or cursing language, he insisted on modest dress at home and in public.  He loved my mom totally and faithfully.  He disciplined when necessary being much more gentle with the sisters than with the brothers.  He encouraged me when I began to follow Christ, though he never went to church the whole time I knew him (except for weddings).  Mom and Dad had met at church, though, as they were in choir together.  In later pictures and videos of my family, I do see more smiles on Dad's face, and the joy that his family evidently gave him.  Before he died we did make a truce, of sorts.  He met me at the train one day as I went back to college for another year, and for some reason I gave him a hug and told him I loved him.  He was really surprised and said, "I love you, too!"  I have wished since then that I had tried that tactic much earlier and maybe things would have been different!  At any rate, though it has taken me a very long time, I think I can now say that I was blessed by the father that God gave to me, and that he did in many ways model my Heavenly Father for me.  He was imperfect, and I now see that I should have been looking at his heart and seeing the real him.  God has certainly done that for me and I should have been doing it all along for all those around me!

My Dad would be 113 tomorrow, August 17, 2016, if he were still alive.  Maybe I have cried fewer tears over his passing in 1968 because of my failure to understand him.  But now that I finally see the "light", I expect it will hurt more.  I have a hope that he and my wonderful Mom will someday greet me on Heaven's shores and we can all sit down and rejoice in healed memories.  Isn't God good?!!

The Sisters

Jennifer (my oldest grand-daughter) used to refer to her sisters as, "the sisters," like as though they were a separate group within the family.  I never did that, but I could have.  I had 5 living sisters growing up, and I was next to the youngest of them.  They were all so very different from me, and even from each other.  Marion was the most like me and we spent many hours together, even after she married and moved to their own place.  We were both more quiet, introspective, traditional - linear thinkers - and more like my mom than the others.  Doris was more likely to go in her own direction, and that included an early marriage and large family. She was very caring, though, and spent a lot of time with us even after moving out and across the river with her Charlie  and their kids.  Towards the end, she and I were in almost daily contact, spending much time reliving memories and talking about how hard it was to lose her husband.  She missed him so much, and never really got over it. She had COPD for many years and struggled a lot.  Frances never married and she and Shirley lived at home, taking care of my mom throughout the 16 years of mom's Parkinson's Disease.  They both worked outside the home, too.  Frances spent most of the years working at a book publishing factory and Shirley at The Sheltered Workshop, which employed handicapped people. Shirley had polio as a teenager and never was really strong.  She was quite introverted and a real homebody.  She always walked the couple of miles to work and spent evenings at home.  Shirley loved Pepsi, raw onions, and cigarettes.  She kept her love and caring pretty much inside herself, though.  Now, Frances, on the other hand, called everybody "Love" and was much more outgoing and confident!  She had strong opinions and did not hesitate to voice them.  She is the sister who gave me the most grief growing up, but she eventually had an experience with Christ and became a good friend to me.  She always had a cat and the cat was always a cantankerous one - make of that what you will - and she took a lot of teasing over that.  

The three brothers were next and could be the subject of an entire post some day.  But after them is where I fit in.  This is a good spot, because it meant that all the hand-me-downs were worn out and so I needed new clothes every school year!  As my younger sister and I grew to be similar in size, we were able to share a wardrobe and that gave us double the outfits each year - pretty neat, huh?!  We thought so! Joyce and I were almost a new set of sisters because we were so much younger than the others.  We were the "pests" that "the sisters" had to care for each evening as my mom worked at a local restaurant.  Dad was in no way a baby-sitter and "the sisters" never really had a choice.  I didn't feel sorry for them at the time but I did understand later. They and the brothers all felt that we were babied and had it so much easier than they had experienced.  So, we did have a fair amount of sibling rivalry going on and lots of arguments, etc. I think that perhaps Joyce had it the hardest of all because she had no one to "be the boss of " like we all did.  That is possibly why she decided to make her own way in the world much earlier than the rest of us.  She made some choices that I did  not see coming because I had headed off to college by then and was in my own world.  I know life was not easy for her for awhile and I so wish we had all been better people then.  Lots of regrets on our parts - but I have always been so very proud of how she turned out, and the wonderful person she became.

I really have loved/missed all of my sisters, and always will.  Today is June 15, though, and today Joyce would have been 72 if she had not passed away last year.  I know that all her kids are missing her as much as I am, and that is why I am writing today.  Life is a wonderful gift to us, given by God.  He places us in families for our care, love, and enjoyment.  My blood family is the one He chose for me and I am so very grateful to Him!  I love them all - just 2 brothers and I remain - and someday I hope to see them all again. Then I will be able to thank God for them, and also for His very evident love for me!  Happy Birthday, Joyce!

March Days

Growing up in my large family, we sometimes combined all the birthdays in a month and just had one party.  It saved money, etc, but not everyone was happy.  I was one of the many July birthdays and so I never really got my own party but it was okay.  Now that I have my own family, I am noticing that life is repeating itself - only now the dominant month seems to be May.  February is good, too, but today I decided to check out March, since my own wonderful husband celebrates his 76th birthday tomorrow.  What I found was that while my immediate family only has 2 birthdays and one anniversary this month, I could add 2 sisters and a niece and it becomes quite crowded.  My sister Marion was born on March 27, and she was the oldest of the siblings (one had died in infancy before Marion).  I was around 12 years younger than she was, yet we were so very much alike and had a special relationship from the very beginning.  I remember when I had rheumatic fever and had my tonsils out and missed a month of school -  Marion brought me special gifts and spent time with me.
After she married, I would spend lots of time at her house and we would go shopping, attend concerts and operas together.  Her husband took pictures of everything and everyone, and most of the pictures of me that still exist were taken by him when I visited them.  While I was in college, the friendship continued long-distance.  After my marriage, she and her husband would come to visit us, once by boat, and often by car.  Once we moved from New York, she would help us finance the few trips back for a Christmas, or other special times.  She also flew out to Oklahoma to visit us, and had tickets purchased for a bus trip to Iowa to see us, when her heart gave out unexpectedly and she passed away.  I love the memories I have with each sister - it's just that there was something special between Marion and me, and I will always treasure that!                                                                        
My other "March sister" was Shirley, born on the 11th, about 8 years (and 3 brothers) before me!  Shirley had a rough life because she contracted polio in her early teens and would go on to have several relapses in the subsequent 57 years before she died at age 70 (I think).  She had to wear braces, attend a special school, and miss out on a lot of living that teenagers and young people value.  She worked at a Sheltered Workshop for many years, and never married.  We kidded a lot about the fact that our most vivid memory of Shirley was how she liked to stand over the heat register, eating a raw onion, and drinking a Pepsi. But she was really as loving a sister as she could be with all that she faced.  She tried hard to guide my younger sister and me and "protect" us from the brothers.  Shirley never wrote much, never called on the phone, but was always so very glad to see me when we would visit back in New York.  I did love her and always wished I had known her better.

My March memories are mostly good and it is fun to look back and enjoy the past.  On March 15, though, I am especially happy because it means that for one more full year God has let me have my sweetheart with me!  I am very blessed and so I say, once more, "Happy Birthday" to my sweet husband, who turns 76 in this 2016!  How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways....

Adjusting my shoestrings

These days, life seems to be all about "adjusting".  I have had to adjust the distance of my computer in order to avoid some carpal tunnel-type arm issues and I have had trouble adjusting the shoelaces on my walking shoes.  If they are too tight on one shoe but not the other, then I don't walk normally and thus not as long or as frequently.  If the right shoe, especially, is too loose, then the right leg seems to want to compensate and becomes too tired too quickly.  It is important for my health that I walk regularly, so I am paying close attention to this issue.  It occurs to me, though, that lately I have had to "adjust" my Christianity more often, too, for my spiritual health.  Sometimes I feel like I have stepped back into Romans 7, where I find myself doing and saying things that I don't want to do or say.  What is that all about!?  I am long past that, or have been for many years - yet when I least expect it, an attitude appears and takes over, briefly, until I get control of it again.  Spiritually, the control over such things is found in Romans 8 (the power of the life-giving Spirit), just as my physical walking seems to be controlled by the strength of the shoelace.

So, lately, I have been adjusting my walk with Christ - checking on the strength and restraint of the Holy Spirit in my life.  He is willing and able to keep me walking straight and "normally" and regularly (for my health).  How did things become loose, allowing attitudes and behaviors to creep in that don't belong in my life?  Have I been lax in check-ups lately?  Have I allowed the cares of this world to influence me too much?  Have I let "the Deceiver" change me into a situational Christian, standing up only when it seems easy or popular and taking the easy way out the rest of the time?  These are questions I have asked myself and my prayer is that He will see my heart and know that more than anything I want to be like Him and never hinder His glory and witness in my world.  I don't want to be a casual Christian, either, where I am relaxed too much and never do the hard work that it takes to stay right with God.

Sometimes, when my right leg gets "wonky" and wobbly and uncomfortable, I wonder if there is an artery clogged that is hindering the blood flow and needs to be checked and opened.  So, spiritually, I am checking that the "artery" is not clogged that sends the blood between the Holy Spirit and me.  This is a life-giving issue and on this I am not willing to delay!  "Lord, hear my prayer and re-open any pathways that have been blocked between you and me!  Give me, again, the refreshing flow of your Presence and your Spirit  so that I can continue to grow and flourish in this wonderful life you have given to me.  Adjust the tension on the shoelaces of my spiritual walking shoes so that I am more productive and healthy and walking as I should..."  I am thinking that a healthy dose of  Romans 8 is in order for this Wednesday morning in January!

Remembering my sister, Doris

I am thinking today of my sister Doris, who would be 86 today, if she were still alive.  She was born in 1929 and died in 2007 during a time in my life that was already rough.  My husband had had a massive heart attack less than a year earlier.  We were in the midst of buying a computer sales and service business in town.  There were also other family members experiencing stress during that time.  When the call came, we were at the business, setting it up, and so there was no time to grieve and no way to gather with other sisters and brothers to talk.  So, I sat down and wrote in my journal random memories of her - no real order, just as they came to mind.  I will share them here as I remember them.  She and I were very close, even though she was child #3 and I was child #9 so there was quite an age difference.  I would have been just 12 years old when she married and she and her new husband moved into our extra living room for the first year, until they and their new daughter moved into a house across the river from us (we could look across and see it but had to take the long way around to visit them, which I did many times during the years that they lived there). So I was a fairly young aunt and spent much time with the family.  They eventually had 5 children and it was a wonderful time for me.  She was a very generous sister and eager to help me in any time of need.  She came to church with me a few times after I was saved in 1955 but never did regularly attend church.  The fellow she married was a few years younger than her but died 6 years before she did. They had a good marriage and she told me regularly to cherish my husband because however long we have will never be long enough to love and be loved by him, and she was so very right!  After my sister Marion died in 1998, Doris hosted a dinner after the memorial service.  Many of us were able to gather and talk about Marion and also about my mom who had died 3 years previous. Most of us kids were too far away and unable to gather for mom's service, so she had been cremated and privately buried.  That experience had been really hard on me, so when we all got together in 1998 it served as a double healing time for us.  Doris and I communicated mostly through e-mail in the last years of her life and I printed most of them out and pasted them in my journals.  It is wonderful to be able to go back from time to time and "spend time" with her in this way.  God gave to me a wonderful heritage and a secure and mostly pleasant childhood.  My sisters all played different parts in this, and Doris will forever hold a special place in my heart.  She sure loved her dog, Dusty, and she also loved her grandkids.    Her son Billy and his wife Sue were so good to her, as were son Bobby and wife Lynn.  Her daughter Nancy remained close, in spite of some rough patches.  Daughter Donna Jean was also close but they had some problems at the end.  Her daughter Sharon was more of a mystery to me since I had moved away while she was growing up.  You can see her in my wedding pictures, however, as my sweet little flower girl.  Most of all, her husband Charlie was her entire life.  She never really learned how to live without him after he died in 2001,  One other thing I remember her saying to me was, "You're lucky your kids are so good to you," because she did not always feel that way about hers.  So, today is a day of remembering for me but the memories are good and I am blessed to have them.

After the Milestone

This past weekend we celebrated our Golden Wedding Anniversary!  When you are young and in love you can hardly think past the ceremony and honeymoon - let alone lasting 50 years!  Who can tell you what it takes to live and love with the same man for 50 years until the feat has actually been accomplished.  Well, now I have an answer to that question.  First, you have to have a commitment mentality.  You have to decide that you will stick it out, no matter what (unless it gets dangerous or evil, of course).  And you need to seek God's will and guidance in your choice of prospective mate, so that you are both in agreement on the commitment thing.  It takes 3 to make a marriage last and God is the 3rd person. I think it is still true that, "the family that prays together, stays together."  Next, you need to be supportive of each other, in every way possible.  Strive to put each other first, no matter how hard that sometimes is.  Show love and kindness to each other and if you argue, make up before you retire for the night.  When you are blessed with children, be sure you put each other first and the children second, and all others come next.  This brings security to everyone, especially the children, who will not have to worry about the home breaking up.  Also, it is good to share household duties so that neither one feels put upon.  Together you can decide the division of jobs and don't worry about that 50-50 idea.  Next, be sure to have fun together and have time alone regularly.  And be honest with each other - that saves a lot of arguments!  Make important decisions together and let the other details fall to whoever has the most expertise or interests in those areas.  All these thoughts are just a rough outline of what I think it takes to succeed in a marriage.  How you flesh it out will be unique to each couple, but these are some basics.  Above all, always try to think ahead when troubles arise - working it out is always the best solution and leads to the greatest happiness and contentment.  I will always think that I got the better deal when my sweetheart and I married.  The thing is, he feels like he got the better deal!  Sounds like a win-win situation!  So let's see: commitment, God, prayer, each other first, share the load, enjoy each other, be honest, be loving, be kind, count your blessings - sounds good!  And the 50 years, while not always easy, is worth the effort!
                                                                                                                                                              *Just a random thought:  this getting old is not easy on any score.  Our bodies change, we get tired, we get cranky, but what's inside is still what is important.  Our hearts were knit together all those years ago and they still are - I don't ever want to live without him, and that is what makes 50 years possible and precious.  God desires this kind of marriage and His strength and help is always available.

Remembering my sister, Joyce

I had been wanting to post something substantial about my sister Joyce since she passed away just a short while ago.  The obituary would have been a good place to start, to introduce my friends to her - but the obituary was not complete and was very disappointing, not even mentioning her surviving brothers and sister!  After stressing over this for a month or so, I contacted my niece Wendy and asked her to do a post for me about her mom and I will include it here, for my comfort and so that my friends may see that the sister I lost had real value, as do all God's children.  I will begin with the obituary and then let Wendy continue:

Joyce Elaine Brown Backus, 70, of Whitney Point, lost a very courageous battle with cancer while she was surrounded by all of her loving children at her home on Wednesday, February 18, 2015. She was predeceased by her husband, Douglas Leon Backus, Sr.; father, Ralph Julian Brown; mother, Mildred (Tarbox) Brown; sisters, Marion Frid, Doris Hiza, Frances Brown, Shirley Ruth Brown, infant sister Irene Alice, and by a brother, Ralph Leon Brown. Joyce is survived by her children: DeAnna (Duane) Briggs, William Backus, Wendy (John) Wade, Ralph (Mickey) Backus, Wayne (Jenn) Backus, Kevin (Jen) Backus and Vicki (Adam) Wells. She is also survived by special friend, Janet Shawley, sister (Marjorie Louise Brown(Rowland) Benedict of Red Cloud, Nebraska) and two brothers (Julian Llewlyn (Sharron) Brown of Hemet, California, and Donald Lloyd (Sharon) Brown of Palm Harbor, Florida). She had many grandchildren and great grandchildren that were the loves of her life. At Joyce's request private services are under direction of Nichols Funeral Home, 7323 119th St., Whitney Point, NY 13862, and condolences may be sent to the family at www.nicholsfuneral.com.

Wendy Wade:

Joyce was my Mother, my protector, my confidante, my teacher and my friend.
For my whole life, my mother was the most beautiful, loving, caring woman in the world. I can remember as a young child, we would wake up for school in the morning and it was quite obvious that she had been up for hours. She would be hanging laundry out back and she would have our breakfast ready for us. Dad would already be gone to work for the day with his lunch and thermos of coffee that Mom had prepared for him. After breakfast, Mom would check to make sure that we looked our best, fix our hair and make sure we had everything when she sent us to the bus stop. When we got home, it was obvious that she spent her day cleaning the house and preparing a wonderful meal for her family. She always made sure that we all had enough to eat. After dinner and dishes, she would give us our baths and get us ready for bed. My hair was down my back to my waist, Mom used to brush through my hair and braid it so it wouldn't be tangled in the morning. She would put it in a bun for school.
When we did wrong, if it wasn't serious, she would protect us from Dad's harsh punishment and keep our wrongdoings a secret as long as we didn't do it again. Mom loved her coffee(black) and her cigarettes. She loved hamburgers on the grill, baked beans and anything lemon. Mom loved all of her kids and always worried about us. She also loved her grandkids and her great grandkids. She had special frames on her dining room wall. One for grands and one for great grands. She struggled a lot when Dad passed away. She felt very lonely and missed him dearly.
Mom enjoyed Bingo, going to the clothing bank, sitting on her porch visiting with anyone and playing cards. Mom will always be remembered for her famous macaroni salad and her chili. Also her apple cookies with maple GLAZE.
Mom had the greenest eyes I have ever seen. You could get lost in them. Mom had a sense of humor too. She was always doing silly things to make people laugh. I cannot remember one time when Mom ever spent money on herself. She never bought herself new clothes or shoes. Everything she wore was from the clothing bank. She was very selfless. This was one thing that always bothered me. As I reflect on things, she never really had anything of any worth. I guess you can say that her children are her prize possessions.
Mom loved Conway Twitty, Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette and George Jones. I was so happy that I got the honor of taking her to a Conway Twitty concert when he came to Binghamton. She was so cute watching him up on stage. She was just like a teenager, I had great fun with her that day.
Mom was always there to help the elderly neighbors also. She would shovel for them in the winter and rake for them in the fall. She would also go to the store and the post office for them as well. One of Mom's last selfless acts was when Vicky got married. Mom was on oxygen and worried about her appearance and her breathing, but she went to Vicky and Adam's wedding and danced a "Mother/Daughter dance" with Vicky while wearing a brooch with Dad's picture in it. She told Vicky that now she had her Mom and her Dad at her wedding. There was not a dry eye in the place! Another show of how wonderful Mom was, was in her final 2 days on earth. We all wanted many pictures and special memories to hold forever. She would smile for all of the pictures because she knew how much it meant to all of us. MOM, I LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE WITH EACH PASSING DAY and if I become even half the woman and mother that you are, I will truly be proud!

When I (Marj) read what Wendy had written I was in tears and still am over how much of my sister's life I missed after we moved so far away and could only be together every few years.  I was not surprised at her parenting style, or her clean house, or her neighborly love, because that is so much like our mom!  As her sister, I spent the usual time in sibling rivalry, as did we all, and when I left to go to  college, I saw precious little of her from then on.  With marriage and children, so far from each other, I lost what could have been wonderful times.  I only wish we could have remedied that, but it was not possible.  I think she knew how much I loved her and she will always be so very special to me in my memories and in my heart!  It makes my mourning easier to share just a bit of her with my wonderful friends and family, so thanks for reading.