Complete Surrender

In one of my most recent sleepless nights, I was discussing with God how easy it is, in these days, to become discouraged and lose the "sparkle in my eyes" (Ps. 13:3 NLT).  The best remedy for me in these times is to remember the former days and how He has led me and shown me His acceptance of, and love for me.  We talked about the wonderful Youth Camp experiences as a teenager and how I was gently led to give my all to Him.  We remembered all the wonderful songs that gave me joy then, and still do.  We talked about all the excitement He gave me as we served in Ministry for so many years and saw many won to Him.  I told Him how much I miss that excitement and how much I want and need to feel His loving arms around me again, on a daily basis.  Somehow we got around to the wonderful days back in 1972 when I began to realize my need for a brand-new touch and a deeper experience with Him and His Holy Spirit.  Then I realized that I had not shared that particular experience in a very long time!  We closed off this conversation with the charge to share my story on the next day, but life got in the way and so here we are with lots of time on our self-isolating hands and a renewed desire to write!

I want to begin with an experience I had as a young teen in a large family, trying to find my way as a new Christian in the midst of those who did not believe that it was necessary to go all out for my beliefs - and some of whom went so far as to actively discourage me in upsetting ways.  About this time I read an article in Readers Digest that explained how to step inside of yourself for protection from strife and verbal attacks.  I tried it and it worked so well that it became my method of coping from then on.  When we attended a conference in 1972 to prepare us to share Christ throughout the country in 1973 (called Unlock 73), we were challenged to search ourselves and see if there was any area in our heart and life that was not totally given to Christ - that might hinder us from being totally used by Him in that coming year.  I was confident that all was well until I sensed a check by the Spirit as I prayed.  After He made it clear that my "stepping inside and closing myself off" was not what He desired for me, and much pleading by me, I finally understood that what He was saying was that He wanted me to stop that practice and turn to Him in those times when I was afraid, or when I could not cope, or when I needed wisdom and peace.  As I think about it now, I say, "duh!" and wonder why I had not realized that long before!  Well, that was a life-changer for me and when all the tears were shed and all the prayers and surrender were done, I sensed a complete envelopment by His Spirit and an overwhelming knowledge that I was completely His and He was completely mine!  We went home from that conference to find that He had prepared the way for much personal witness to my colleagues at the school where I taught - they were very open to hear of my experience - and a sense of power that I had never had before.  The desire to tell my story and invest in the lives all around me was something that was all-consuming and quite long-lasting.  I wish I could say that the fire never died,but it seems to have changed a bit as life goes on.  I really miss that but I think that it is impossible to stay forever on such an emotional high.  I still desire His daily presence, approval, power, joy and I ponder daily how that will look in this stage of my life.
                     
Before I went to sleep the night that began all this remembering, I was reminded that when Satan tries to discourage me and when hope is not as bright as it used to seem, I can look back and point out to him that there is something real and lasting about this walk with Christ. I know that I know that I know that He is real, that He lives in me, and that He has more power than Satan will ever have!  And I know that I belong to Him forever and ever - and that's that!

"Not all those who wander are lost..."

I got to thinking in the night about the several devotionals I have written that refer to being lost somewhere and spending the hours trying to find my way.  Fortunately, God has seen fit to use those dreams as teaching tools for me and for those friends who follow my writings. In the most recent Advent devotional printed, I was inspired to recount how I see Jesus as my Mediator in some of these "wandering" episodes.  There I am always searching for my way through the crowds - looking for the exit that I know exists because I have been there before - and often a face appears somewhere close to me, obviously trying to catch up to me to guide me in the desired direction.  Usually the face is of a loved one or a trusted friend.  But as I sat to consider my contributions to our 2019 Advent Devotional booklet (the names and "faces" of Jesus), I suddenly recognized that the face I was seeing in the crowd seemed to be Jesus.  He was the One watching over me and walking near to me as I wandered, ever ready to re-route me if I veered off the path, or to keep the goal always in sight so that I did not give up!  He was serving as my guide to my desired destination - in effect, my mediator between God and me!  This realization opened up a whole new direction for me and you can see the result if you read our devotionals on our church website redcloudwes.wordpress.com/author/redcloudwes/ and I would suggest that. But let me tell you about some further thoughts I have had today about common threads in all these wandering dreams: 
first, in these times, I am never alone, and that speaks to me in two directions (God is always with me, and many others of my world are also wandering and searching); second, I know the way home because I have been there before, so I am not really lost; and third, these dreams often take place in the same area - am I re-visiting issues that have already been settled and decided? Or is there just further growth to be had and this is how the Holy Spirit chooses to direct my focus?  At any rate, I do know that dreams are often meant to help us deal with unsettled daily problems and I think I am glad that I have a Mentor and helper who knows just how I learn and grow best!  This is a wonderful and blessed Christmas season for our family as we await the birth of our newest grandchild (our 2nd grandson and our 7th grandchild) and we are extremely blessed!

Thanksgiving 2019

My first thanks this year has to be that that Dan was able to find a few minutes to figure out why I have not been able to post here for almost 2 years - we do lead a busy life in this small town :) and so I am most happy!  What a year we have had!  Seems like each day brings a new challenge or a new physical problem.  In spite of that, we are still in fairly good health and have so much to rejoice about!  One blessing is that we have had 2 new great grandkids in 2019 and now we know that we will have our 7th grandchild in early 2020 so we are very happy these days.  The second blessing was that we were finally able to have Rudy and Lisa come here to visit and we had a great time.  Lots of changes happening in our extended family and we are so grateful for our God and for prayer.  We continue to have faith that He watches over all and works on our behalf.

Seems like November has been a month of appointments to various doctors, and to the dentist, but we are thankful for all that help and especially for Dan and Stacy, who are so good and so willing to transport us and help us when needed.  Hopefully, December will be better, and 2020 also!  Another big blessing has been the addition of DV8 church, an evening church with a different look and a different style but the same desire to reach the lost in our area.  God is with us and hearts are being changed even before our official launch.  Soon I hope to sit down and write about so many other thoughts God has given me - but not today - they will have to wait for yet another dental appointment to be finished.  God is good and we are thankful!

A Year of Discontent?

I sat down today to review this Blog site, hoping to gain some insights for good from what was a rough year for me, physically.  I am old enough and smart enough to realize that often we gain our greatest strength from seemingly insurmountable events in our lives.  Looking back on my husband's heart attack in 2006, our retirement from active pastoral ministry in 2001, my diabetes diagnosis in 2008, losing my mom in 1995 and all of my 5 sisters in the following 20 years - I know I wrote a lot on Facebook during those times, and detailed God's presence and help - but it looks like there is lots more to tell as 2018 is in full swing.  My daily Journals are pretty complete but 2017 is surprisingly missing as far as blogs are concerned. 

I know it started out with a nighttime reminder from God to love my children and others unconditionally, just as He loves me. I got new curls in January, too, and a new bathroom tile and shower walls,  and Mr. Trump was certified President by the Electoral College in answer to  prayer, I believe.  So it began well and February was just as full of praise, but March is where the first, "I'm not feeling well today" appeared.  It turned out to be a sinus infection that would not be cleared up until at least June!  By that time I had heart problems, a trip to the Black Hills for a wedding, my first attack of vertigo when we returned, a complete heart work-up in July,  and a Journal chock-full of praise through it all!  Re-reading the Psalms sure helped those months, of course... 

August continued with the horrible allergy season and added teeth problems, which were finally fixed in January 2018, lots more dizziness problems, blood pressure issues, AND the fullest Journal in years because of all the wonderful things God did during the last 6 months of 2017.  January of 2018 ended with some symptoms that necessitated a trip to a neurologist, but they are all so busy that it will be another 10 days, as I write this, before I even get in to see him.  Meanwhile, I have just finished a sonogram of my kidneys and arteries surrounding them.  I think there is justification for no blog entries in 2017 but I hope to rectify that in 2018 and be more faithful.  Until then, there is lots to be learned in my Journals and Facebook posts - especially how great is the goodness and mercy of God in every situation, and how very important it is to hide His Word in your heart for when the hard times come.  I surely have no complaints regarding the life I have lived, so far.  I only pray to never lose sight of the good when I am overwhelmed with the seemingly bad. I am so very thankful for all His blessings and His provision for me and mine.  And I end this blog as I started - with new curls! 

Decisions may be life-changing

Note to self: next time you wake up with something on your mind that you need to write down - do it before you read the news. Your perspective will be changed before you get a chance to write what was on your mind! Oh, well, anyway, I woke up with decisions on my mind and one decision in particular that I made 52 years ago. It was a day or two before Christmas and I was having a serious discussion with my then-current sweetie (as opposed to my then-ex sweetie, which is a long story) and the discussion threatened to take a monumental turn. He was weary from health issues with his dad, educational issues with current post-graduate studies, and romance issues with this young lady who could not seem to make up her mind just which direction she wanted to go. He finally declared that he was just giving up on (me) because nothing was working out! Well, that put the "fear of God" in me and I practically begged him to reconsider us and give me another chance to figure life out. He did, and I did, and the rest is history! So Christmas 52 years ago I received an earthly gift that is still giving and though it is not quite as important as the Gift God gave us so long ago, it sure ranks right up there with things to be thankful for. This Christmas Day 2016 I thank God once again for sending His Son to make a way for me to know God and have my sins forgiven. Then, secondly, I thank Him for sending me my life-long sweetheart and best earthly friend. Truly, I need no other gifts because I have all I need! Of course, if you have already purchased something, well...but Merry Christmas to all my friends and family. Looking forward to worshiping Him today on His birthday celebration day - hope you are, too

A Healing Light on an Old Problem

I was looking through some old journals throughout July and into August.  I like to do that to remind me of what I have learned throughout the years, and to remind me of my past blessings when current problems arise.  Two weeks ago I was re-reading my kids' comments from a Fathers Day service at our church - things they learned from their Dad - and it moved me to tears all over again!  But as I read the remarks it (finally) occurred to me that I could say many of those same things about my own Dad - I never do, though, because I did not ever feel that I had a personal and loving relationship with him.  I was afraid of him from my earliest memories - he was big and I was small, he had a loud voice and I was very quiet, he really spanked those naughty brothers of mine and that scared me - and I do not ever remember hugs and kisses from him, though my mom insisted he loved me and was very proud of me.  But this past August 5th was kind of a wake-up call for me.  I believe I have dwelt on the negatives and just let the positives pass me by all these years.  Now, because of my kids' thoughtful comments on my husband as a father, I am moved to highlight the ways in which my Dad shaped me for the good and helped me become what I am today.  I should, then, say thanks to my wonderful sweetheart for showing me what a real father is, and that I really did have one of my own all those years!  My Dad always provided for his family, which could not have been easy with 10 kids and depression years and a country at war a good share of that time.  He did not go into debt, except for our house in the city, which cost a whopping $5,000 and took at least 20 years to pay for.  We had lots of food, adequate clothing, a safe family life, good shelter, and constant supervision and care.  He always made sure we did well in school, that we did not talk back to anyone, that we respected our elders.  Dad did not accept crude or cursing language, he insisted on modest dress at home and in public.  He loved my mom totally and faithfully.  He disciplined when necessary being much more gentle with the sisters than with the brothers.  He encouraged me when I began to follow Christ, though he never went to church the whole time I knew him (except for weddings).  Mom and Dad had met at church, though, as they were in choir together.  In later pictures and videos of my family, I do see more smiles on Dad's face, and the joy that his family evidently gave him.  Before he died we did make a truce, of sorts.  He met me at the train one day as I went back to college for another year, and for some reason I gave him a hug and told him I loved him.  He was really surprised and said, "I love you, too!"  I have wished since then that I had tried that tactic much earlier and maybe things would have been different!  At any rate, though it has taken me a very long time, I think I can now say that I was blessed by the father that God gave to me, and that he did in many ways model my Heavenly Father for me.  He was imperfect, and I now see that I should have been looking at his heart and seeing the real him.  God has certainly done that for me and I should have been doing it all along for all those around me!

My Dad would be 113 tomorrow, August 17, 2016, if he were still alive.  Maybe I have cried fewer tears over his passing in 1968 because of my failure to understand him.  But now that I finally see the "light", I expect it will hurt more.  I have a hope that he and my wonderful Mom will someday greet me on Heaven's shores and we can all sit down and rejoice in healed memories.  Isn't God good?!!

The Sisters

Jennifer (my oldest grand-daughter) used to refer to her sisters as, "the sisters," like as though they were a separate group within the family.  I never did that, but I could have.  I had 5 living sisters growing up, and I was next to the youngest of them.  They were all so very different from me, and even from each other.  Marion was the most like me and we spent many hours together, even after she married and moved to their own place.  We were both more quiet, introspective, traditional - linear thinkers - and more like my mom than the others.  Doris was more likely to go in her own direction, and that included an early marriage and large family. She was very caring, though, and spent a lot of time with us even after moving out and across the river with her Charlie  and their kids.  Towards the end, she and I were in almost daily contact, spending much time reliving memories and talking about how hard it was to lose her husband.  She missed him so much, and never really got over it. She had COPD for many years and struggled a lot.  Frances never married and she and Shirley lived at home, taking care of my mom throughout the 16 years of mom's Parkinson's Disease.  They both worked outside the home, too.  Frances spent most of the years working at a book publishing factory and Shirley at The Sheltered Workshop, which employed handicapped people. Shirley had polio as a teenager and never was really strong.  She was quite introverted and a real homebody.  She always walked the couple of miles to work and spent evenings at home.  Shirley loved Pepsi, raw onions, and cigarettes.  She kept her love and caring pretty much inside herself, though.  Now, Frances, on the other hand, called everybody "Love" and was much more outgoing and confident!  She had strong opinions and did not hesitate to voice them.  She is the sister who gave me the most grief growing up, but she eventually had an experience with Christ and became a good friend to me.  She always had a cat and the cat was always a cantankerous one - make of that what you will - and she took a lot of teasing over that.  

The three brothers were next and could be the subject of an entire post some day.  But after them is where I fit in.  This is a good spot, because it meant that all the hand-me-downs were worn out and so I needed new clothes every school year!  As my younger sister and I grew to be similar in size, we were able to share a wardrobe and that gave us double the outfits each year - pretty neat, huh?!  We thought so! Joyce and I were almost a new set of sisters because we were so much younger than the others.  We were the "pests" that "the sisters" had to care for each evening as my mom worked at a local restaurant.  Dad was in no way a baby-sitter and "the sisters" never really had a choice.  I didn't feel sorry for them at the time but I did understand later. They and the brothers all felt that we were babied and had it so much easier than they had experienced.  So, we did have a fair amount of sibling rivalry going on and lots of arguments, etc. I think that perhaps Joyce had it the hardest of all because she had no one to "be the boss of " like we all did.  That is possibly why she decided to make her own way in the world much earlier than the rest of us.  She made some choices that I did  not see coming because I had headed off to college by then and was in my own world.  I know life was not easy for her for awhile and I so wish we had all been better people then.  Lots of regrets on our parts - but I have always been so very proud of how she turned out, and the wonderful person she became.

I really have loved/missed all of my sisters, and always will.  Today is June 15, though, and today Joyce would have been 72 if she had not passed away last year.  I know that all her kids are missing her as much as I am, and that is why I am writing today.  Life is a wonderful gift to us, given by God.  He places us in families for our care, love, and enjoyment.  My blood family is the one He chose for me and I am so very grateful to Him!  I love them all - just 2 brothers and I remain - and someday I hope to see them all again. Then I will be able to thank God for them, and also for His very evident love for me!  Happy Birthday, Joyce!