Father's Day

I hardly ever write about my dad and I don't speak much about him, either. That is not because he was a bad father. I think it is just because by the time I knew him (being number 9 of his 10 children), he was quite busy keeping food on the table and clothing all those kids! I spent the first 20 years of my life being afraid of him because he was strict and gruff and usually had his mind on things other than me. Way back then, I didn't understand why that was so, but now I do. Thinking back on my childhood I think that the fact that my birth followed 3 boys probably had a lot to do with his distraction! Those boys always seemed to be getting into trouble. Because of that, I decided to be extra quiet and not create any waves. I never asked him for any money or favors because I was sure he would say no and I did not like the way he said no. My mom, many years later, asked me why I thought he did not love me when he was so clearly proud of me and pleased in all that I did. I told her that I did not sense that and that he never said he loved me. I decided then to actually tell him that I loved him and see what happened. When he looked surprised and then said, "Well, I love you, too!" everything changed for me. Our relationship became much more relaxed and satisfying. I decided then and there that if I had my own children, I would make sure they knew how much I cared.

My oldest sister told me that the father she remembered was not the one that I described to her regarding my childhood. I learned from her that parents change as the family changes . I had not known that my dad could have been an opera singer because I had never heard him sing, or that he played the fiddle for the family when he was younger. I missed out on a lot and I regret all that. Now that there is no one left to talk to me of my mom and dad when they were young, I wish I had asked more questions and looked at more pictures. This year I decided to make a list of the attributes that I could personally attest to, regarding my dad. I know he was a hard worker, providing for his family faithfully. I know that he insisted on moral behavior in dress, language, and lifestyle. He loved my mom very much. He was frugal and patriotic and always present in the home when he was not working. He was very tall. He made room for his own elderly father in our home a portion of each year until Grandpa's death. He took us on a yearly trip by saving all his dimes in a big bank. He had some military service but I am not sure about what or when it was. All these things I can remember that are good. I have decided that for 2011 I will not dwell on the disappointments I had with him because I now realize that we are all flawed and that as parents we do the best we can.

When I first began to learn about the God who loves me, I had a problem referring to Him as a father because I had no close relationship to draw upon. I still struggle with that, preferring to trust that the Jesus I love said that He and the Father are one, so I don't have to worry. I believe that my heavenly Father understands and all is well. So, since my earthly father is no longer here to celebrate on Father's Day, I offer this from one of my favorite authors, Beverly Lewis: "All honor and praise to our heavenly Father, Creator, and ultimate mender of broken hearts..." Sounds like a father to me!