Remembering my sister, Doris

I am thinking today of my sister Doris, who would be 86 today, if she were still alive.  She was born in 1929 and died in 2007 during a time in my life that was already rough.  My husband had had a massive heart attack less than a year earlier.  We were in the midst of buying a computer sales and service business in town.  There were also other family members experiencing stress during that time.  When the call came, we were at the business, setting it up, and so there was no time to grieve and no way to gather with other sisters and brothers to talk.  So, I sat down and wrote in my journal random memories of her - no real order, just as they came to mind.  I will share them here as I remember them.  She and I were very close, even though she was child #3 and I was child #9 so there was quite an age difference.  I would have been just 12 years old when she married and she and her new husband moved into our extra living room for the first year, until they and their new daughter moved into a house across the river from us (we could look across and see it but had to take the long way around to visit them, which I did many times during the years that they lived there). So I was a fairly young aunt and spent much time with the family.  They eventually had 5 children and it was a wonderful time for me.  She was a very generous sister and eager to help me in any time of need.  She came to church with me a few times after I was saved in 1955 but never did regularly attend church.  The fellow she married was a few years younger than her but died 6 years before she did. They had a good marriage and she told me regularly to cherish my husband because however long we have will never be long enough to love and be loved by him, and she was so very right!  After my sister Marion died in 1998, Doris hosted a dinner after the memorial service.  Many of us were able to gather and talk about Marion and also about my mom who had died 3 years previous. Most of us kids were too far away and unable to gather for mom's service, so she had been cremated and privately buried.  That experience had been really hard on me, so when we all got together in 1998 it served as a double healing time for us.  Doris and I communicated mostly through e-mail in the last years of her life and I printed most of them out and pasted them in my journals.  It is wonderful to be able to go back from time to time and "spend time" with her in this way.  God gave to me a wonderful heritage and a secure and mostly pleasant childhood.  My sisters all played different parts in this, and Doris will forever hold a special place in my heart.  She sure loved her dog, Dusty, and she also loved her grandkids.    Her son Billy and his wife Sue were so good to her, as were son Bobby and wife Lynn.  Her daughter Nancy remained close, in spite of some rough patches.  Daughter Donna Jean was also close but they had some problems at the end.  Her daughter Sharon was more of a mystery to me since I had moved away while she was growing up.  You can see her in my wedding pictures, however, as my sweet little flower girl.  Most of all, her husband Charlie was her entire life.  She never really learned how to live without him after he died in 2001,  One other thing I remember her saying to me was, "You're lucky your kids are so good to you," because she did not always feel that way about hers.  So, today is a day of remembering for me but the memories are good and I am blessed to have them.

After the Milestone

This past weekend we celebrated our Golden Wedding Anniversary!  When you are young and in love you can hardly think past the ceremony and honeymoon - let alone lasting 50 years!  Who can tell you what it takes to live and love with the same man for 50 years until the feat has actually been accomplished.  Well, now I have an answer to that question.  First, you have to have a commitment mentality.  You have to decide that you will stick it out, no matter what (unless it gets dangerous or evil, of course).  And you need to seek God's will and guidance in your choice of prospective mate, so that you are both in agreement on the commitment thing.  It takes 3 to make a marriage last and God is the 3rd person. I think it is still true that, "the family that prays together, stays together."  Next, you need to be supportive of each other, in every way possible.  Strive to put each other first, no matter how hard that sometimes is.  Show love and kindness to each other and if you argue, make up before you retire for the night.  When you are blessed with children, be sure you put each other first and the children second, and all others come next.  This brings security to everyone, especially the children, who will not have to worry about the home breaking up.  Also, it is good to share household duties so that neither one feels put upon.  Together you can decide the division of jobs and don't worry about that 50-50 idea.  Next, be sure to have fun together and have time alone regularly.  And be honest with each other - that saves a lot of arguments!  Make important decisions together and let the other details fall to whoever has the most expertise or interests in those areas.  All these thoughts are just a rough outline of what I think it takes to succeed in a marriage.  How you flesh it out will be unique to each couple, but these are some basics.  Above all, always try to think ahead when troubles arise - working it out is always the best solution and leads to the greatest happiness and contentment.  I will always think that I got the better deal when my sweetheart and I married.  The thing is, he feels like he got the better deal!  Sounds like a win-win situation!  So let's see: commitment, God, prayer, each other first, share the load, enjoy each other, be honest, be loving, be kind, count your blessings - sounds good!  And the 50 years, while not always easy, is worth the effort!
                                                                                                                                                              *Just a random thought:  this getting old is not easy on any score.  Our bodies change, we get tired, we get cranky, but what's inside is still what is important.  Our hearts were knit together all those years ago and they still are - I don't ever want to live without him, and that is what makes 50 years possible and precious.  God desires this kind of marriage and His strength and help is always available.

Remembering my sister, Joyce

I had been wanting to post something substantial about my sister Joyce since she passed away just a short while ago.  The obituary would have been a good place to start, to introduce my friends to her - but the obituary was not complete and was very disappointing, not even mentioning her surviving brothers and sister!  After stressing over this for a month or so, I contacted my niece Wendy and asked her to do a post for me about her mom and I will include it here, for my comfort and so that my friends may see that the sister I lost had real value, as do all God's children.  I will begin with the obituary and then let Wendy continue:

Joyce Elaine Brown Backus, 70, of Whitney Point, lost a very courageous battle with cancer while she was surrounded by all of her loving children at her home on Wednesday, February 18, 2015. She was predeceased by her husband, Douglas Leon Backus, Sr.; father, Ralph Julian Brown; mother, Mildred (Tarbox) Brown; sisters, Marion Frid, Doris Hiza, Frances Brown, Shirley Ruth Brown, infant sister Irene Alice, and by a brother, Ralph Leon Brown. Joyce is survived by her children: DeAnna (Duane) Briggs, William Backus, Wendy (John) Wade, Ralph (Mickey) Backus, Wayne (Jenn) Backus, Kevin (Jen) Backus and Vicki (Adam) Wells. She is also survived by special friend, Janet Shawley, sister (Marjorie Louise Brown(Rowland) Benedict of Red Cloud, Nebraska) and two brothers (Julian Llewlyn (Sharron) Brown of Hemet, California, and Donald Lloyd (Sharon) Brown of Palm Harbor, Florida). She had many grandchildren and great grandchildren that were the loves of her life. At Joyce's request private services are under direction of Nichols Funeral Home, 7323 119th St., Whitney Point, NY 13862, and condolences may be sent to the family at www.nicholsfuneral.com.

Wendy Wade:

Joyce was my Mother, my protector, my confidante, my teacher and my friend.
For my whole life, my mother was the most beautiful, loving, caring woman in the world. I can remember as a young child, we would wake up for school in the morning and it was quite obvious that she had been up for hours. She would be hanging laundry out back and she would have our breakfast ready for us. Dad would already be gone to work for the day with his lunch and thermos of coffee that Mom had prepared for him. After breakfast, Mom would check to make sure that we looked our best, fix our hair and make sure we had everything when she sent us to the bus stop. When we got home, it was obvious that she spent her day cleaning the house and preparing a wonderful meal for her family. She always made sure that we all had enough to eat. After dinner and dishes, she would give us our baths and get us ready for bed. My hair was down my back to my waist, Mom used to brush through my hair and braid it so it wouldn't be tangled in the morning. She would put it in a bun for school.
When we did wrong, if it wasn't serious, she would protect us from Dad's harsh punishment and keep our wrongdoings a secret as long as we didn't do it again. Mom loved her coffee(black) and her cigarettes. She loved hamburgers on the grill, baked beans and anything lemon. Mom loved all of her kids and always worried about us. She also loved her grandkids and her great grandkids. She had special frames on her dining room wall. One for grands and one for great grands. She struggled a lot when Dad passed away. She felt very lonely and missed him dearly.
Mom enjoyed Bingo, going to the clothing bank, sitting on her porch visiting with anyone and playing cards. Mom will always be remembered for her famous macaroni salad and her chili. Also her apple cookies with maple GLAZE.
Mom had the greenest eyes I have ever seen. You could get lost in them. Mom had a sense of humor too. She was always doing silly things to make people laugh. I cannot remember one time when Mom ever spent money on herself. She never bought herself new clothes or shoes. Everything she wore was from the clothing bank. She was very selfless. This was one thing that always bothered me. As I reflect on things, she never really had anything of any worth. I guess you can say that her children are her prize possessions.
Mom loved Conway Twitty, Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette and George Jones. I was so happy that I got the honor of taking her to a Conway Twitty concert when he came to Binghamton. She was so cute watching him up on stage. She was just like a teenager, I had great fun with her that day.
Mom was always there to help the elderly neighbors also. She would shovel for them in the winter and rake for them in the fall. She would also go to the store and the post office for them as well. One of Mom's last selfless acts was when Vicky got married. Mom was on oxygen and worried about her appearance and her breathing, but she went to Vicky and Adam's wedding and danced a "Mother/Daughter dance" with Vicky while wearing a brooch with Dad's picture in it. She told Vicky that now she had her Mom and her Dad at her wedding. There was not a dry eye in the place! Another show of how wonderful Mom was, was in her final 2 days on earth. We all wanted many pictures and special memories to hold forever. She would smile for all of the pictures because she knew how much it meant to all of us. MOM, I LOVE YOU MORE AND MORE WITH EACH PASSING DAY and if I become even half the woman and mother that you are, I will truly be proud!

When I (Marj) read what Wendy had written I was in tears and still am over how much of my sister's life I missed after we moved so far away and could only be together every few years.  I was not surprised at her parenting style, or her clean house, or her neighborly love, because that is so much like our mom!  As her sister, I spent the usual time in sibling rivalry, as did we all, and when I left to go to  college, I saw precious little of her from then on.  With marriage and children, so far from each other, I lost what could have been wonderful times.  I only wish we could have remedied that, but it was not possible.  I think she knew how much I loved her and she will always be so very special to me in my memories and in my heart!  It makes my mourning easier to share just a bit of her with my wonderful friends and family, so thanks for reading.

Singing I go...

I live in a really nice apartment complex these days, where most of our neighbors are friendly, caring, like-minded folks!  Many of them are older, but not all.  We have several things that we do as a group and one of these is Thursday morning devotions in our community room.  We start at about 8:30 a.m. with visiting and making coffee, setting out hymnals, etc.  At 9:00 we are ready to move nearer to the clavinova (electric piano-type instrument) and we spend half an hour requesting and singing together our favorite hymns of the day, and sometimes a new one we want to learn.  These are older hymnals so all the songs are old and only a few of us know every song in the book.  Today, we were singing along with mostly sunshine songs because many of us are weary of the rainy week we have had, and the sun is actually shining today!  Right in the middle of "There is sunshine in my soul today, more glorious and bright, than glows in any earthly sky, for Jesus is my Light," suddenly I remembered the chorus of a song that we used to sing long ago  about singing along life's road because Jesus has lifted my load.  I requested it, though many had never heard it and I only remembered the chorus, and we all agreed it was a wonderful song!  When the "preacher of the day" began to speak, he mentioned how much peace he felt as soon as he arrived and heard us singing along.  And he is right!  We find so much peace in singing of what Christ has done for/in us, and in how He walks with us and makes our earthly load so much lighter.  It makes our journey easier and our earthly life more meaningful.  For some reason this all made me think of a locket that Stacy and I are creating for me, in which the charms tell the story of "me".  So far, we have a coffee cup, a cross, a book, a mom charm, and a ladies retreat charm.  We are going to add a blog charm and for sure a musical notes charm.  These are all the things that make up "Marj", or at least many of the things that are me.  I think a journal will have to be included, too, now that I think of it!  But the biggest thing that I know lately is that I love to sing and that there is a song for every situation I encounter!  These songs are sustaining me, comforting me, teaching me, connecting me to Jesus and to my Father God.  "I have a song that Jesus gave to me that was sent from Heaven above" and today I am praying for my friends and family that are in danger of losing their song, because of life's burdens.  I am praying that the Spirit will come alongside them and remind them of the Song that is in their heart, and will give them strength to sing it again. If it starts out slower and sad, then I am praying that it will increase in joy as they sing!  Perhaps you will help me be a songleader today and get the songs started - can we do that?

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

It has been one of those "different" nights - where I sleep for a few hours, think  for a few hours, sleep a few more, and then get up to start the day.  It is 4:20 a.m. and I think I am up for the day because there is something I want to remember to say, and I might not remember it if I sleep for awhile.  Today is Good Friday and we will be thinking much about how our Jesus died for us on that cross so long ago, and naturally that reminds me of a song (or two, or lots more).  In my hours of musings last night I thought about all I should be doing in many different areas of my life - spiritually, around the house, investing in friends and family, stuff like that. I prayed for several who are going through difficult things.  Then a song came to mind that we used to hear a lot.  Part of it goes, "Did you ever know that you're my hero?  You're everything I long to be,"  at least that is how I remember it.  And I got to thinking about folks that I have thought of as my heroes from time to time.  That list can be obtained if you private message me but if I list them I will probably miss someone or hurt some feelings, so I think I won't do that.  They are all family members and friends and all very precious to me!  I ran through the list in my mind last night and when I came to the line, "you're everything I long to be," I realized that there was really no one that I could use the word "everything" for - there is that temper one has, or that crude language I don't like from another, or lifestyle choices that I don't consider God-honoring.  I love and look up to each one for the good things and just pray for the things I wish I could change.  I was forcefully reminded, at that point, that probably all my loved ones have to do the same with regard to me!  Wow, is that a humbling thought!  So, it occurred to me that the only one I could really sing that song to would be Jesus.  He is everything I long to be.  He is my hero, the wind beneath my wings, my reason for living, my role model, my saviour, my comforter - the list could go on and on!  "Jesus, did you ever know that you're my hero?  No one else embodies all that I long to be.  I thank you so much for dying for me on that cross and that you now live in me and give me strength and a reason to live in this fallen world!  Thank you for Easter and the wonderful celebration that it is and the hope that it brings!  Help me and my family and friends to live in such a way that more parts of our lives will be hero-worthy, for the sake of those who follow us and those who look to our daily lives for an answer to their important questions."

Turning 75

It is time to embarrass my husband by telling the world (well, my world, anyway) what a great guy he is!  We have been married for almost 50 years now, and how does a marriage last this long - or even 60 or 75 years?  Well, for starters, he's not the same man I married way back then, and that is both good and bad, because I am not the same girl he married!  We have been through a lot and I wouldn't change a thing, except for do-overs where I have failed him - I expect he feels the same way!  For 50 years he has been willing all along to change and reinvent himself for me - to be what I needed as time changed.  He has always been loving, serving, always thinking of me before himself!  He began as a country boy, changed to fit this city girl, and now that he is retired he is back to country boy (which is where his heart has always been).  He has stuck with me through thick and thin and done whatever it took to stay with me until the end of time.  What I wanted, and what he wanted - well they did not always match up, but he was always willing to make it work.  Now, as for the ways I have changed, etc., well that is another whole Blog entry.  Nothing of value seems to come easy, but it has all been worth it.  Who knew that these kids of 23 and 25 had what it took to make it last 50 years?!  Well, give the credit to this sweet, shy, handsome young man beside me, who turns 75 on Sunday.  I thank God daily for each new day with him!  The 50 years comes in August, but it does not hurt to celebrate all the birthdays in between  :) so flood his facebook site or his e-mail with good wishes - at least enough to last until August 28!!

Redeem the Time

Been thinking today about the family into which I was born.  Mom and Dad had 10 children and 9 of them lived to adulthood.  There were 5 girls, then 3 boys, then 2 more girls.  My sister Joyce and I are the only girls still alive, and 2 of the boys remain.  Growing up was pretty normal for us 2 tag - alongs  but of course our normal was worlds different from the normal of the 7 before us (one died in infancy).  They were farm kids come to town and Joyce and I were city kids through and through.  As we grew up, my dad worked Monday through Friday from 6 a.m. to 3 p.m. and my mom worked outside the home from 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. every night but Mondays.   The older kids, then, had a lot of responsibility for us younger ones - and that caused strife more often than not!  When I was about 13 years old, things began to change as some of my brothers and sisters got married and moved out.  The squabbles became fewer,  and life was still not always easy, but all in all I had a loving family. Someday I need to spend some time talking with my own kids about all my memories - about things they would enjoy knowing and about lessons I learned that would maybe save them some angst.  We have done a certain amount of this, of course, but as life gets busier and busier, the opportunities to talk about the past become fewer and fewer.  But what causes my melancholy today is, simply, the passage of time and the recognition of lost opportunities in my own life.  My mom and dad are gone, one brother is gone, and 4 of the girls I grew up with and loved are gone.  Just 2 brothers and my sister, Joyce, remain.  This week, my sister has been in hospice care, in pain and having a very rough time.  She is strong and all her family is with her, surrounding her with love in the midst of her pain. I am mourning the many "I love you"s that were not said, the "I am proud of you"s that were not said, the lack of time together as we all grew older and went our own ways.  I wish I could go back and get some "do-overs", but I cannot.  All I can do is leave it all in God's hands.  He knows our hearts and He also holds our loved ones in His hands.  Tonight I want to remind us all that life is really very short and not to waste it or fill it with regrets.  Lift a prayer for my sister and for her kids, tonight, and if you can, encourage each other.  Proverbs 12:25 says, "Anxious hearts are very heavy but a word of encouragement does wonders.".  My sister is soon to cross over and we will be left to grieve.  God is so good to us and does not leave us alone - we will praise His dear name and thank Him for His promise of eternal life for those who love Him and believe in Him.